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i OffEnd REaSon

[ website | Life As Me ]
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What the?? [Apr. 1st, 2008|11:16 pm]
i OffEnd REaSon
 It was my second day at school today, back from spring break. I was going to put my books in the trunk and my writing teacher from the last term approached me as she was driving by. She told me that my final (essay) i'd written was up for a scholarship because I scored double 6's.  She said she liked it a lot and that maybe i'l possibly see some money.

Here's the story... I was not in the mood to get my binder on and go to school (the day of my final), my back hurts when I wear it so it's always on my mind, not to mention having to adjust it constantly makes passing at school a challenge.  So I arrived that day thinking of one thing, it sucks being transgender, it sucks having a big chest and it sucks having to bind, knowing that it's not good enough, making me have to wear a jacket or vest to hide my chest the rest of the way. 
The final exam room was boiling hot and I was in a huge hurry to get my essay done, so instead of sitting and taking my time thinking of a semi interesting topic to write, using their guidelines, I decided to not waste any valuable time thinking, and just write. What did I write about? That's easy enough... being trans. I chose the topic that was supposed to tell about a life lesson learned by myself or someone I know. Conveniently I was stressing over my binder and being uncomfortable, so I just started writing about myself from beginning to end, making sure ofcourse that I was doing it in the right format and organized the way it should be.
At this point I was getting a B in the class, atleast I thought so, so decide to not show up day 2 of the final to revise it. I figured, well... I was doing well and satisfied with my work so far and that day my back was killing me from a long day before. So I stayed home, sat it out and waited for my grade. I almost kicked myself for not looking at the board tos ee the other instructors name, cuz he wouldnt be one of the teachers reading my essay to grade it, and my instructor already knew about me. I was going to try to avoid selecting the instructor that graded my essay as a teacher in the future because I was a bit embarassed. Anyway, I checked online to see my grade... I loved seein a B, so with releif I moved on and forgot about it altogether.
Then the writing instructor tells me all this.

Wow... thats' all I have to say. Pretty damn cool!
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In the News! [Mar. 27th, 2008|05:37 pm]
i OffEnd REaSon

Yesterday I had a phone interview with a man from ABCnews.com. He was doing a story on trans parents and came across my site. He e-mailed me asking for an interview and I agreed. The article he wrote was based on the Oregon Transman who is pregnant and carrying a child for his wife and himself, some of you have seen the articles on that, well this is a different view of the whole transparents thing. Here is the link to the article, which talks about my children's book.


Something I wish more people knew was that when I had my daughter I didn't know I was what we call ourselves "trans"... I was gender neutral within myself and I really didn't know what transgender was at the time. HAD I known, I would have transitioned much sooner and never gotten married to have put my spouse and child in that position, although i'm greatful that things, not that they were the best of times, went the way they did because if they hadn't, I wouldn't have such a wonderful little girl to share the rest of my life with. 

In my personal opinion about transmen giving birth, I think its a bit shameful to transmen in general, to put your male body through a childbearing experience after everything you went through to transition and all the rights and respect you expect and gain as a transman in soceity. I did have a child, but it was well before transition was ever a part of my lifelong plans. When I had her, I was no doubt settling on my given gender without knowing that I could ever change that. I lived life the way people around me expected, as a woman and one of the things women do is give birth. I don't regret having my daughter at all. Even though I feel this way, and would never think of having more children the way I did my first... everyone is entitled to their own choices in life, I just hope that decisions that other transmen make for themselves don't end up harming the social status of all transmen. 

Hopefully I didn't offend anyone reading this, I meant nothing by it, just felt like writing.

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to be cut or not [Mar. 2nd, 2008|08:09 pm]
i OffEnd REaSon
[Current Mood |crankycranky]

i wont be having surgery as planned on march 26th because my financial aide advisor is not allowing salliemae to loan me the amount i asked for... for whatever reason, instead of ranting ill just spare you and say that the new plan is that ill have the amount saved in full by may 12th? 2008 that way i can get my top surgery in june. This is just a new plan, not by any means in concrete. I just hope i dont have to suffer this summer again wearin hoodies. bloody hell i can feel it now. again, ill spare you a rant and end here. what a shitty day.
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i pinched a little asian man. [Jan. 25th, 2008|03:21 pm]
i OffEnd REaSon
 Yesterday was a very important day for me... in fact I made myeslf sick from bein so nervous about my consultation with Dr. Nguyen for my chest reconstructive surgery. I don't know why I was nervous... it's not like anything was happening! It was just a meeting between him and I where he described the procedure, let me ask anything I needed to and took measurements of my chest so he can get working on the surgical plan. He's very polite and made me laugh even if he wasn't trying to be funny. I asked some general questions and one of them was wether or not I would be able to lift anything for a while... his response was that typically if you have excess skin or tissue under your arms on your upper sides that hell get rid of all that so the incision goes under your arm pits and was explaining that if you lift, keep your arms at your sides other wise the skin will get tight and pull the insicion open... he demonstrated by asking me to pinch his skin under his arm while he lifted his arms over his head. Ok... so I almost lost it and laughed hysterically... because of the funny things running through my mind about pinching his body... anyhow, i understood what he meant and i cringed at the thought.  So the meeting ended and I made my decision to schedule the procedure for March 26th this year and so unless the nurse calls to tell me that we have to chage that date, thats the official day of my surgery. YESSSSSSSS. ive been quoted at a whopping $7660.00, being the high end of the possible cost... a lot? definately. He says that he has been doing this for over 20 years and so I am putting my trust in him for accuracy and the best of his ability. Ive heard only good things about him and he seems to be the man for the job. He says that he doesn't advertise this procedure which is why you don't see much of his work online and stuff... he's basically word of mouth. Which is a good thing sometimes.  Sooo anyway that's enough about that.

On to more personal things... I am moving Feb 8th to a new house... after just moving 6 months ago to a 3rd story apartment I can already feel the pain of the stairs. After I get settled there, I have to go for more blood work and back up to see my Dr. for T effects. Bloody hell this is getting expensive...! I took out a salliemae.com loan for students to pay for almost all of my surgery cost.... but i still have to pitch in about 1300 so that must be saved by march 15th atleast. i just cant wait til the surgey is done and over with then i can relax on the money situation for a bit, focus on school and get me a real job, in the real world. 

One last thing... I was thinking more about posting photos of my new chest when that happens and I don't think I will post anything unless I get requests... I'm not that brave!
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Crud. [Jan. 15th, 2008|09:29 pm]
i OffEnd REaSon
[Current Mood |calmcalm]

Hmmmm well I havn't written in a bit so i figured id stop in and tell a few short stories. 

<lj-cut>I went to the social security office to change my card to my new name.. well going in with the fact in mind it is the SS office and they have to respect your privacy since people in there sometimes can be real nosey maybe because of identity theft... it's simple common knowledge... anyway the woman who was helping me decided to say as loud as she can in the cracker jack box sized office "have you had your sex change operation yet?" i just kinda stuck my head in my shirt in embarassment... at that point i could have walked out but i decided to be chill about it and ask her a few questions as to wether it had to be specifically the lower surgery and i tried to explain theres several surgeries you can have and all she could do was repeat, "have you had your sex change yet? you have to have the surgery that changes your gender before I can change your F to M." I looked behind me and made a angry face at her because 3 guys behind me were staring at us. I lowered my voice, hoping to coax her to and said never mind i'll just look into it myself... i finished my buisness and walked out. How incredibly unprofessional was that?

My second adventure happened at a department store where I live. I was returnin something signed a return slip and everything "Jason ****" and there was a problem with the receipt and the woman behind the counter was rude to start and argued with me so I said "if you want to just argue i'd like to speak to your manager" so she got the manager that was there... and i attempted to explain myself... well the casier cut me off by saying "she she she blah blah blah" I got pissed off and said excuse me but my name is jason pointing to the receipt slip. They both looked at me with a blank look like huh? They continued talking between the two of them and I got mad hearing the she shit againa and again so I walked away before I blew up. I walked back over and took the item I was returnin, put it in my bag and said I guess you are happy that im just walking away without solving the problem, the manager interrupted me "no, i was going to...." and I just said by the way you need to teach your employee some social skills because she kept calling me She and after correcting her she still did it, my ID says male. and i walked out.

I was pretty dang mad... for a while. I just tried to let it go I think I was more angry that people we hearing this happen and that they were too dense to listen to what I was saying, rather then the fact that they mistook me for a she.

Ive noticed my mom is trying harder to use male pronouns in public, it doesnt always work out but i catch her flinching and looking to me for a correction when she slips up and its ok... i love her and shes trying for me!

News....... I applied for a loan and have an appointment to see Dr. Ngyuen on Jan 24th! Thi appointment is a consultation for my chest reconstructive surgery. I can't wait... things are falling into place slowly but nevertheless they are. I could sit here and complain a bunch about how horrible it can be and what not... but really i'm very fortunate in the aspect that i have my family's full support on this and everyone is trying really hard to understand and accept my change. The best part is that with their support I have been able to ease full force into my transition without hesitations now... using the mens restroom isnt all that "hard" to do anymore and introducing myself as Jace in front of my family isnt so akward. To say the least their support has made me all that much more confident in facing the world.

Recently my mom asked if I was attracted to females... welllll that's another story entirely, but i'd lke to just say for ther ecord, yes... I am.<lj-cut>
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What now! [Dec. 17th, 2007|03:49 pm]
i OffEnd REaSon
I saw my Dr. on friday, as I wrote on my site. I was taking .3cc for my injections each sat. Since I met with her and she changed it to 1cc every 2 weeks, I wasn't sure if I would give my injection on sat. I thought it over and decided to go ahead since it's not a large amount and that the following week I would give the new dose, with my buddy who does his every other week. I made the attempt, but unfortunately freaked myself out because it hurt in a different way then usual. I couldn't go back and try again because it's all bruised up and I just couldn't mentally bring myself to. Anyway... next week will be my first normal dose. Just thought I would document this.
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Retardedness. [Nov. 27th, 2007|11:00 pm]
i OffEnd REaSon
[Current Mood |coldcold]

I just felt like posting some random photos.

Read more...Collapse )

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Good day. [Nov. 16th, 2007|01:18 pm]
i OffEnd REaSon
 Yesterday I got my certified copy of my legal name change. I took it to the DMV, got my new ID and new gender marker. it was a pretty big deal. I half expected for the people who were doing the information change to atleast flinch at the fact... although they were very cool and very profressional about it as if it was just an every day thing. It made me feel a lot better about facing them. I went to the college today and got things ready to start school this winter. I changed my name with the college and will start school this winter an introduce myself as male. I also picked up the photos for my book! The illustrations are done and I am mailing it out today. They look really good. So, just thought i'd post about all the positive things happening in my life right now. There's always something bad to say but rarely anything good to report. It was a good day yesterday and today.
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Exhausted... [Nov. 13th, 2007|02:12 pm]
i OffEnd REaSon
[Current Mood |depresseddepressed]

Im at a point where I don't know how or where I find it in me to edure... everything I endure day to day.

 When I am in public it upsets me so much when someone I don't know, looks at me and says her, she, or ma'am... whatever the term they choose to use. It doesn't help any that my mom puts up an argument when I express these feelings.  I don't want to go in public... sometimes it's fine, nobody speaks to me or looks me in the face, but other times I have my mom with me and she's heavy with the female pronouns vs. my birth name and she likes to speak on my behalf so that pushes me over the edge... "my daughter is paying seperately"... pointing at me.  There's nothing I can say to her to make her understand where I am coming from and how I feel about the way the world perceives me. 

It's not just being upset.. it's my whole life, day in day out this is what I deal with. I am falling backwards... rather then forwards within my well being, and depression is taking me over again. 

I am totally satisfied with who I am until someone uses a pronoun that doesn't justify me or if I look in the mirror... I can only fool myself to an extent, which makes me wonder, why do I even bother trying to fool others? I can't magically appear as a male just when I go into public... the best I can do is be me and hold on to that instinct  that i've got boiling inside me that screams "I AM A MAN". Normally I don't think twice about who I am.. I go about my business normal like anyone else. It's just when someone acknowledges that small factor ....that, I am not a "physical male".

Also, the shots. I have been deathly afraid of needles, surgery, pain in any shape or form most all of my life.. I could dish it but I couldn't take it... now it's not my nature at all to willingly give myself an injection.... in fact I used to tell myself (when I saw Chris giving his insulin shots) "I could NEVER do that!" because at the time I didn't feel like I would ever have to. True, even now I don't HAVE to... but I know that it's necessary to be able to lead a semi normal lifestyle that definately makes me feel like a whole person. In the end I will be happy with the results... it's just the pain I have to endure, let alone the emotional and mental issues I face every time I give an injection (which is once a week). It's a total burn out and SOMEHOW I manage to always find it in me to do it.

Chest surgery is approaching and I am getting so nervous, just like I did when I was about to start T. Suddenly that inch and a half long piece of steel that I stick myself with every week is looking smaller and smaller. I have been thining more about the process of a mastectomy and what is in store for me. That's my problem... I think way too much and over analyze situations. I guess I hope that I will find an easy way to just get it over with.

When I think of the pain I will and have to endure.. mostly the physical pain, I try to picture myself or someone I know sucking it up any other time a similar situation took place. For example when my daughter got her shots for school, she had 4 shots (2 in each thigh) done at the DR. Here I sat with my 22g touching my skin but not breaking the skin... sweaty palms, heart beating really hard and fast... and I kept that image of her and how strong she was...

SOMETIMES it's not that easy, it takes me to completely clear my mind and just take a deep breath and thoughtlessly inject that sucker, with the urge to pull it back out (because mentally it is just agonizing) but I still proceed and I have NO clue where I find it in me to do so...

I went and got a couple of tattoos previous to starting T. I wanted to man up before having to give injections on a regular basis... it was painful. Very paintful. It helped me mentally prepare myself a bit though for what was to come. I use that experience to get through what I go through now.

Thats about it... thats about all that is really bringing me down lately... I just can't tell anyone how and where the strength comes from. I was such a fearfull person before all of this. I could never imagine havig to go through this kind of thing and wanting to. I just keep sucking in those deep breaths and holding it in until I can't anymore. I want so badly to just skip forward to Winter break and get my loan, have my surgery and start school as a new man. I thrive on interaction and relationships... that's the one thing I lack right now. I think I am letting this situation isolate me and maybe that's why I am depressed.
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One Month on T [Nov. 4th, 2007|05:12 pm]
i OffEnd REaSon

Today I have been on T for one month. 

Sometimes it's hard to believe that I was even able to start. I think about when I came out and how I felt like it was too good to be true and I figured i'd never be able to get this far... i'm very greatful for the resources that were handed to me to help me get to where I am. I know iv'e only been on the shots for 1 month but I feel better then I ever have. Thanks Kim, Kevin, Julien and Manda for being there for me. You guys gave me more then you know just by being a friend.

Also, thanks to my sister, for being there and loving me unconditionally and always taking my side when it came down to it.

Thanks to everyone else, especially Ang for being there in any way you have been... Ang was the first person I told and i'll never forget our hour long chats at shari's... it got me through some rough times.

Enough SAP.

November 15th is the next big day for me. That's the day I will be a legal male! It's very exciting. After I get the document stating my new name, i'm off to the DMV with my letter to get my ID changed over. I know it don't seem like a big deal, but getting that little ol' "F" changed to an "M" is a HUGE deal. To me.

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