||[Nov. 13th, 2007|02:12 pm]
i OffEnd REaSon
Im at a point where I don't know how or where I find it in me to edure... everything I endure day to day.
When I am in public it upsets me so much when someone I don't know, looks at me and says her, she, or ma'am... whatever the term they choose to use. It doesn't help any that my mom puts up an argument when I express these feelings. I don't want to go in public... sometimes it's fine, nobody speaks to me or looks me in the face, but other times I have my mom with me and she's heavy with the female pronouns vs. my birth name and she likes to speak on my behalf so that pushes me over the edge... "my daughter is paying seperately"... pointing at me. There's nothing I can say to her to make her understand where I am coming from and how I feel about the way the world perceives me.
It's not just being upset.. it's my whole life, day in day out this is what I deal with. I am falling backwards... rather then forwards within my well being, and depression is taking me over again.
I am totally satisfied with who I am until someone uses a pronoun that doesn't justify me or if I look in the mirror... I can only fool myself to an extent, which makes me wonder, why do I even bother trying to fool others? I can't magically appear as a male just when I go into public... the best I can do is be me and hold on to that instinct that i've got boiling inside me that screams "I AM A MAN". Normally I don't think twice about who I am.. I go about my business normal like anyone else. It's just when someone acknowledges that small factor ....that, I am not a "physical male".
Also, the shots. I have been deathly afraid of needles, surgery, pain in any shape or form most all of my life.. I could dish it but I couldn't take it... now it's not my nature at all to willingly give myself an injection.... in fact I used to tell myself (when I saw Chris giving his insulin shots) "I could NEVER do that!" because at the time I didn't feel like I would ever have to. True, even now I don't HAVE to... but I know that it's necessary to be able to lead a semi normal lifestyle that definately makes me feel like a whole person. In the end I will be happy with the results... it's just the pain I have to endure, let alone the emotional and mental issues I face every time I give an injection (which is once a week). It's a total burn out and SOMEHOW I manage to always find it in me to do it.
Chest surgery is approaching and I am getting so nervous, just like I did when I was about to start T. Suddenly that inch and a half long piece of steel that I stick myself with every week is looking smaller and smaller. I have been thining more about the process of a mastectomy and what is in store for me. That's my problem... I think way too much and over analyze situations. I guess I hope that I will find an easy way to just get it over with.
When I think of the pain I will and have to endure.. mostly the physical pain, I try to picture myself or someone I know sucking it up any other time a similar situation took place. For example when my daughter got her shots for school, she had 4 shots (2 in each thigh) done at the DR. Here I sat with my 22g touching my skin but not breaking the skin... sweaty palms, heart beating really hard and fast... and I kept that image of her and how strong she was...
SOMETIMES it's not that easy, it takes me to completely clear my mind and just take a deep breath and thoughtlessly inject that sucker, with the urge to pull it back out (because mentally it is just agonizing) but I still proceed and I have NO clue where I find it in me to do so...
I went and got a couple of tattoos previous to starting T. I wanted to man up before having to give injections on a regular basis... it was painful. Very paintful. It helped me mentally prepare myself a bit though for what was to come. I use that experience to get through what I go through now.
Thats about it... thats about all that is really bringing me down lately... I just can't tell anyone how and where the strength comes from. I was such a fearfull person before all of this. I could never imagine havig to go through this kind of thing and wanting to. I just keep sucking in those deep breaths and holding it in until I can't anymore. I want so badly to just skip forward to Winter break and get my loan, have my surgery and start school as a new man. I thrive on interaction and relationships... that's the one thing I lack right now. I think I am letting this situation isolate me and maybe that's why I am depressed.